Poem: Irony

I want to see you
I don't want to see you
I dunno what to say
I dunno how to say hi again
I dunno how to be myself with you
Like I was then.
Things change don't they?
You make me tremble
I never trembled when I was with you.
But now, you make me tremble.
I can't take another one from you
Might as well not say hi at all
That way I'd never be looking back
Much like how you are
We are very alike, you and I
Spontaneous.
I think I grew faster though
grew more rigid
grew more black and white.
I remember our colors you and I
I remember how you were my heroine
and I was your angel
or so you said.
(Laughing)
I can't even think about these
without thinking cheese!
But it was cool then.
I think.
At least I hope so.
I remember how silly I was
I remember how silly you were too
It's fun being silly with you.
'coz you were sillier,
Then silliness grew too.
Just like I did
it grew rigid and died.
CPR please.
In time
time will tell
what comes next after the hi
and the silence
and the how are yous.
If it's even gonna happen at all.
I hope it does though,
I hope it doesn't too.
I crack myself up!

Dream of Paris

Soon.

Copied Entry: Just for Kicks

"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"

I
see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section,
so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out
there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See,
if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic
guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag
along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie
when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there
and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the
(other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you
probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy
dog, always following you around. They probably teased you because they
thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly,
a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings
for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just
friends." Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, maybe he was a
little too short, or too poor, or lacked confidence in himself, or
didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the
things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at
the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic
buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more
serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little
weird, if you weren’t dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend
eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the
things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make
for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and
after having tried the bar scene for several months having only
encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all
the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored
the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without
reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his
consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend
more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint
and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that
women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make
dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned,
in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when
you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he
wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that
you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money,
and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact
is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate
rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the
complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that
you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of
nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I
suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a
nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have
matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be
in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed
his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism
and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So,
please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the
fact that you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all.
It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want
a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

Wit

Oh, yes I can Owen, I can do anything I like. I’m eccentric. *grrrrowl*

-Donald Sinclair, Rat Race (2001)

Fondling the Clitoris of the Goddess

I've read a few years back that people love the only way they know how. And as I look into what has happened in my life as to how I love, this proves to be real. The first time, I was very scared of love, fearing rejection, being possessive and controlling. I would be so controlling even as to manipulate, lie and cheat to get what I wanted, which is basically, the girl I loved. But now I realize that that is not how love should be. There can never be love unless one is free to love and open to love- a mutuality of giving and receiving. Note: receiving, not taking. What's the difference? Recieving has the consent of the giver, while taking comes in many forms: emotional blackmail, emotional or physical abuse, isolation and many others. In these situation when you take, you rip the soul of the one you love and her growth is stunted by the growing dependence on you. Taking therefore is a form of rape. This is sick. How could you love a person who cannot be herself when she's with you? She would be a zombie child with a muted voice and a torn soul. It is said: "Love is the child of Liberty." In love, one should be free.

The next few times I thought I was in love was triggered by the feeling of being happiest. Now I must say that if two people are in love with each other, they are sure to be happiest with eachother. Right? Well yes, perhaps this would be true, for some time. But happiness fades and what sets in is the cold chains of commitment and indifference. You see, happiness is actually in the moment. It comes from what happens; HAPPINess, HAPPEN? hehe so what? Here's what. What if happiness a.k.a happiest is lost, how can one revive and revitalize the relationship? Here's how: find, in lieu of happiness, joy.

Joy is a perpetual sense of peace and conentment. This can only be attained, I believe, through spirituality and identification with God. In the Bible, this would be a gift of the Holy Spirit, and unless the Holy Spirit is within us, there could never be any real joy in our lives, evidenced by the lack of consistency in our loving our beloved. Because without this joy, we are just actually in a rollercoaster ride of happiest, happy, I don't know, miserable, empty, then back to happiest again. A cycle, which may work, but as I have experienced, there is a better way.

Now, as I take all this in, and evaluate my experiences, I have to say that nothing can create in me the joy that is needed in loving someone than to be able to receive the flow of love from God. Here's why: I believe that for one to see the beauty in others, one should first see the beauty and miracle of God. Second, He should then be able to see the beauty and the miracle of and in himself. Then, and finally, He should see the beauty and miacle of and in his beloved. See, love is the acknowledgement of the beauty and the miracle of the beloved. It is looking into her eyes and seeing the magnificence, miracle, and brillance of God through and within her. In this regard, it is identifying her with the Divine: seeing for yourself the divinity of your beloved. In essence, when you love someone, she is a Goddess.

How you would woo a Goddess is how you should treat the one you love. With reverence. With happiness and joy. With overwhelming desire merged with the same amount of compassion and caution. Because the Goddess doesn't let anyone fondle her clitoris. He should be worthy. He should be God.

Loving someone is seeing your equal, you partner, the yin to your yang. And in this balance, love is hope and faith is courage. Equality in love is the two angels in the Ark of the Covenant, in the Holy of Holies, gazing at each other in mutual and perpetual rapture.